14 pizzas (and pizza-flavored snacks) you will never eat again
Image: dork-larue / Tumblr
Forget apple pie and hot dogs. Pizza is America's favorite food. If there is any doubt, you only have to look back at the plethora of pizzas and pizza-flavored foods sold in supermarkets and fast food joints over the decades. Our nation never tires of reinventing the pizza. Heck, KFC even launched a fried-chicken-crust pizza in 2017.
We love to look back at the bygone food of our youth. So, let's turn back the clock, turn up the oven and get to drooling over some past pizzas.
Fair warning: You will craze some pizza after reading this.
Roman's Frozen Pizza
A centurion tosses boxes of frozen pizzas from his chariot like a delivery boy. This was the advertising campaign for Roman, "the non-stingy frozen pizza for big American appetites." Perhaps you saw this in 1969 while watching The Brady Bunch. Roman kept reiterating that it was not stingy.
Pizza Pick-Up Stix
Pizza in a stick! Brilliant! Bird's Eye sold these tubes in the 1970s.
Totino's Pizza Slices
Totino's still survives largely in Pizza Roll form, but we forget that the brand was a pioneer. Rose Totino was Pillsbury’s first female corporate V.P. and worked directly with the company's food scientists to craft the country’s first nationally distributed frozen pizza. Her “Crisp Crust” technology was patented in 1979. Three decades later, Rose Totino was inducted into the Minnesota Inventor’s Hall of Fame. Anyway… we miss her "My Classic Pizza" and rectangular pizza slices.
Image: General Mills
Chef Boy-Ar-Dee Frozen Pizza
The king of the D.I.Y. boxed pizza kit, Chef Boy-Ar-Dee got into the frozen game. There was not a lot of cheese on these suckers, was there?
Image: saltycotton / Flickr
Red Owl Pizza
Here's another brand from the 1960s, the decade that saw frozen pizzas explode as a quick-dinner phenomenon.
Image: Jeff Lonto / Flickr
Pizza Hut Electronic Baking Oven Pizza
Pizza Hut got into the Easy-Bake Oven market in the 1970s with this plastic, plug-in cooker. The little things were more like tomato tarts. Of course, a Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine could provide the perfect desert.
Image: History's Dumpster
CELENTANO FROZEN PIZZA
If you were a fan of food with corners, this rectangular pizza was for you. Even the sausage was shaped into little squares.
The mechanical bears of ShowBiz once owned the whole animatronic party-pizza parlour scene — until Chuck E. Cheese came along and killed the competition. But we'll never forget Billy Bob the bear and that jingle, "Where a kid can be a kid!"
Image: dork-larue / Tumblr
Not to be confused with Mary Poppins, this Nabisco innovation took instant pizza to new levels of laziness. Good luck cleaning the cheese dripping off the heating coils!
Image: Mental Floss
Buitoni Instant Pizza
Buitoni had the sense to make their toaster pizza more of a Hot Pocket. The rounds developed quite a devoted following. There is even a Facebook page petitioning to bring these pizza pockets back to market.
The Keebler elves are known for their cookies, but at one point in the early 1990s, they made some really tasty pizza-flavored chips. Who remembers these?
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